And By the Way, If You Qualify as a ”Helicopter Mom,”

You  Might Not Want to Read Any Further Because Poopie Ain’t Sugar-Coatin’ Shit.

Poops! I gotta tell you, this topic couldn’t wait to be addressed! I’ve read so many articles and blogs on this lately that sooner or later I would’ve gotten to the subject, but my own personal experience recently with one of these moms has now made this something I must discuss. As you know, I keeps it seriously realzzz, and today is definitely no exception.

First of all, let’s examine what the general definition of a ”helicopter mom” is. According to Wikipedia, they are: “parents who pay extremely close attention to their child’s or children’s experiences and problems, particularly at educational institutions. This 21st century colloquialism grew as more and more parents, particularly moms, began “hovering” so closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children needed them or not. It is also known as ”overparenting syndrome” (yes, a freakin syndrome—I would actually call it a tragic epidemic) whereby parents try to solve all of their children’s problems for them. According to some college professors and administrators, these parents are actually morphing into a new sub-group of even more exteme hoverers called “Lawnmower parents,” named so because these moms and dads attempt to smooth-out and mow-down every single obstacle in their children’s way.

Are you nauseous yet? Well, Poops here thinks you should be. Smooth-out every obstacle? WTF? Hello! It’s the obstacles and challenges in our lives that teach us the most valuable lessons and builds the most character. Not to mention it also provides us with self-reliance, confidence, emotional coping mechanisms and social and psychological intelligence. Look, I’m no shrink okay, I’m just a Mommy Blogger who is putting her opinions out there for better or worse. But since the name on this particular blog says “Poopie,” then I”m entitled to say what I feel. And what I feel for these helicopter/lawnmowing a-holes is that they are ruining their children’s lives and interfering way too much in the classroom, on the field, in the dance studio, on the playground, even in someone else’s home on a playdate. No joke. It’s that bad out there. How in the world are our kids supposed to learn how to deal with their own problems in life if Mommy and Daddy are hovering right above them at every single step of the way navigating the uncharted waters for them? How in the world could a parent perceive this approach as healthy? I just don’t get it. And I never realized how insanely early this phenomenon started until I recently had my own experience with one.

I don’t need to dive too deep into the story, but let’s just say that a mom called the school about one of my children, claiming she said something inappropriate to another student. It never once occurred to me that this didn’t take place. Kids say inappropriate shit all the time. But, I have learned never ever trust what comes out of a four or five year-old’s mouth, as they tend to embellish, get confused and sometimes just make things up altogether (like 2 years ago when one of my girls said a boy at school was being mean to her that day and then I called the school to get to the bottom of it and found out he wasn’t even in attendance that day!) Lesson learned. Valuable lesson learned. There are ALWAYS two sides to every story and before you jump to conclusions and start freaking out and “hovering” all over a situation, you should find out precisely what took place. And this, of course, was what I did, once the incident was brought to my attention. I pulled the teacher aside a few weeks ago and calmly inquired about what she saw or heard. Apparently, Helicopter Mom (that’s what I’m calling her) took her kid’s word for the only version of things and called the school freaking out about what my daughter said to her child. I know better than to do this, as I’ve made myself look like an a-hole plenty of times after the truth is finally revealed and my kids’ version of the story wasn’t the same as reality.

So, anyway, the teacher recounts the story. My daughter wanted to play with a few girls and those girls were nasty to her telling her that she couldn’t play with them and told her to go play with the boys (it’s sick how early these cliques are formed!) In fact, Helicopter Mom’s child was the one who said she didn’t want to play with my daughter and was rude and exclusionary. So what did my daughter do in reaction to having her feelings hurt? She told the girl her hair smelled. I said to the teacher, “was that it? That was what the big fuss was all about?” Ok, got it. Well, I said to the teacher, “that certainly isn’t nice and she knows better than to be mean like that and I will definitely speak with her about her behavior. She was probably really hurt and sad about being left out and it was just a knee-jerk reaction.” And do you know what that teacher said to me? She told me that she thought that even though it wasn’t a nice thing to say, she thought it was fantastic that my daughter had enough self-esteem and self-worth to stand up for herself and say something in response to how she was being treated. Meaning, of course it’s not okay to insult someone as she did, but the teacher went out of her way to tell me that it’s wonderful that my daughter didn’t cry or run and tattle to a teacher. She handled the problem herself – maybe not in the optimal way, but she didn’t let those girls get her down. She dished it back a little, and though it wasn’t nice, the teacher said this is something to be proud of at her age, as time and again she sees these things happening at school and a lot of kids just run to the teacher in tears. I guarantee you that Helicopter Mom’s kid did just that when she got home. Hence, the whole situation being blown significantly out of proportion. My god…they are 5 years-old! Kids act mean sometimes. Kids say mean things sometimes. THEY ARE KIDS. And yes, sometimes it’s even your own kid saying or doing the mean things. And yes, sometimes they are the victim too.

Either way, if you hover and hover and try to smooth our every single wrinkle in their lives, how in the world will they know how to stand on their own two feet and handle anything for themselves? I am so grateful that the teacher took the time to reassure me that my daughter’s response was not only normal but also the healthier reaction. Of course I don’t condone saying hurtful things to people, but she was hurt and she responded in kind. I am proud that she had the self-worth to say something back to make herself feel better. I don’t want to raise a cry-baby who can’t learn to cope on her own when they going gets tough. Because you know what? It will get tough. It will get harder and she will get her feelings hurt again and again. It is the nature of children and, unfortunately, often the nature of girls. I remember. It can be brutal for girls at school sometimes. But thank god my mom wasn’t up at school ”lawn-mowing” me out of every situation. I would never be the strong, independent and confident woman I am today if she had.

I feel sorry for the kids being raised in these helicopter homes. Their parents are stealing authentic, self-developed confidence right out from under them and instilling them with a false sense of how the world works and how they should operate in it. We absolutely can not protect our kids from all the dangers out there in the world. We absolutely can not swoop in and hover over every situation that upsets them or hurts them or causes them challenges. Of course we can lend a hand when it’s necessary and of course we should be there to provide steady guidance and open arms, but we should never solve all their problems for them, as they will in turn, then never be able to solve anything for themselves. Below is an article that a lot of  moms posted on FB a few days ago that ran on HuffPost. It is brilliant and I hope you’ll take the time to read it, as it addresses this very same concern.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/Mickey-goodman/are-we-raising-a-generati_b_1249706.html

Ok, Poopies, I’ve said my peace. Agree? Disagree? It’s all good. Put it out there and let’s get it on! By the way, it’s Wednesday and I have not gone to the grocery store. We’re running low on milk, but I’ll just have to improvise. Hope you’re all partaking in the challenge too. I haven’t heard from any of you! Check-in with me Poopies!Oh, and sign-up to follow me on Twitter. The PoopieTweets are going live!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Exhibit A: Poopie’s Groceries from Today’s Trip to the Store (Mon 2/27/12)

aka “Poopie’s First Challenge”

Hello darling Poopies! I hope you had a great weekend and that your back-to-Monday routine has been a good one! So….I have a lot of topics to discuss with you all this week, several of which were suggested by you lovelies out there and I promise I will address them all one at a time very soon. However, today I am devoting the blog to the very first “Poopie Community Challenge!” It is my hope that each week (or maybe every other week depending on how crazy life gets around here) I will pose a challenge to you all and myself and see if we can conquer it together. Sometimes we just need a little kick-in-the-ass to get ourselves to do something we’ve been contemplating for awhile. And oftentimes it can be quite helpful to know that there is a group of people out there rising to the same challenge with you, keeping you motivated and more importantly, keeping you accountable. So…let the inaugural Poopie Challenge commence!

As you can see from the picture above, those are the various items I purchased at the grocery this afternoon. I won’t tell you what they added up to, but I will proudly say that I came in around $6.00 under my budget (woo hoo!) Now, the first challenge is less about financial motivation, though that is always a vital consideration in these ridiculously expensive times, but this is actually more about how sickened I am at the insane amount of waste taking place in my home from week to week. I can’t stand the volume of food that gets tossed around here. It’s awful, it’s shameful and this challenge will hopefully be a major motivating factor in alleviating much of it. I know I can’t be the only who feels this way, as this challenge idea sprung from a conversation I recently had with several Poopie followers. So, I invite you and encourage you to take the challenge with me and see if, collectively, we can make a difference in our homes for the better!

So, how do we do this? Well, it’s pretty simple. I now have visual proof of everything I bought today so there is no mistaking any items from last week or the week before. My challenge is to not return to the grocery store for anything until every last item seen in the picture has been eaten. That’s not so tough, you might be thinking, Poopie. I could do that! No prob! Perhaps it is easier than I’m envisioning it to be, as ole’ Poops here regularly makes several trips to the grocery story per week. We are always “running out” of something. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. But the truth is, I never take the time to really look around in my cabinets and fridge and see what possible items are in there that I could still use to scrape together a meal or a snack. I’ve gone on grocery autopilot for so long that I lack creativity, ingenuity and quite frankly common sense sometimes when it comes to what I think we need verses what we actually need from the store. Saturday night I inspired even myself by creating a recipe on the fly that made me realize it’s not only rather easy to do, but improvising in the kitchen should become more of the norm around here instead of the exception.

If you follow my pins on Pinterest (you better be! and if you’re not, please do so immediately : ) you can see a board I just created called “Original Things I Made Up on the Fly.” Saturday night we fed the girls early and then PoopieDaddy and I decided we would dine alone together once they were asleep. Well, next thing we know that plan is shot to shit because someone wanted to view our house  (yes, at 5pm on a Saturday!) which pushed the whole routine back an hour because we didn’t get home until well after 6 (because they just had to finish watching Puss and Boots at PoopieNana’s house), so the girls didn’t eat until almost 7, then baths, bedtime etc. I don’t need to explain the drill…let’s just say by 8:30 when they were finally sleeping soundly, we were starving and on the verge of ordering a pizza and salad from our usual place. I went into the kitchen to get some water and just randomly started poking around to see if there was anything I could make. At this point, it was less about saving money and more about my stomach growling and needed to sate it as soon as possible. The pizza delivery would take at least a half an hour and I didn’t want to wait to eat until after 9pm. I decided I would make some odd Poopie version of pizza on Triscuit crackers. No joke. I thought, what they hell? How bad could they be? I sauteed zucchini that had been in the fridge and on the verge of going bad (and would inevitably do so as I knew we were having lunch and dinner out the next day), found some shaved parmesan, marinara sauce, some olive olive oil and salt & pepper. I put it all together and threw it in the toaster. If it’s gross, then I’ll never try this again, I thought to myself.

But…it was delish! Truly! I was so proud that I opted not to pick up the phone and order that pizza. It took all of ten seconds to remind myself that I was resourceful in so many other areas of my life, why should mealtime be any different? PoopieDaddy smelled my lovely Triscuit treats and asked what I was making. I told him and he asked if I could make some for him too and he liked it as well. We saved money, we ate a healthier meal and used food in our house that otherwise might have gone to waste. I am super guilty of not doing this often enough and it became the catalyst for today’s first ever PoopieMommy Challenge. So, are you with me? Do you think you can use every last item from your weekly outing to the grocery store? I highly encourage you to take a picture as I did and share it on the blog. Send it to me via email and I will post for you. Check-in with me throughout the week and tell me how you’re doing. Are you making any meals “on the fly too?” If so, what are they? Share them with the rest of the Poopies! We will need inspiration and encouragement. I am mostly concerned with needing to get more fruit and milk (things we run out of  most often and I’m always trekking back to the store to get). I can’t promise I won’t fail at some point, but I think it’s super important to try. Our family is great at conserving in other areas: we recycle a ton, we drive a hybrid vehicle, we try to limit our water and electricity usage and, politically, we support candidates and organizations that believe global warming is actually a scientific reality and want to enact environmental change. But food is where we are failing.

This is such a taxing and difficult time for so many families across our nation and around the world. People are stuggling and suffering, locally and globally, to put food on the table and feed their children and themselves – even the most basic nutrients are missing from so many people’s lives, especially children. The quantities of food we have wasted over the years in this house is inexcusable and shameful. I think because we donate often to various foodbanks that I’ve somehow justified this bad habit in our home. But it’s not enough to donate, we have to do more. We have a responsibility to teach our children that wasting is wrong and that you can never be too young to learn how to conserve and be resourceful in the kitchen. And so, I’ve shown my children this picture above. I’ve told them about PoopieMommy’s Challenge and that no matter what they think we “need”  or want over the next seven days, I am going to try like hell not to go back to the store for anything. Not only do I hope we eat every last thing I purchased today, but I hope some items will rollover into next week and I can start cutting back on what I buy from week to week. I think this is a realistic goal and I hope you will consider joining me. If you need any motivation at all, I have no doubt that going through your cabinets and fridge will do the trick. I guarantee you that you will find many items you never eat, cook with, use at all or the worst, if you’re like me, you’ll find things that have expired and gone completely to waste without ever having been used at all. Remember when I said I’d always keep it real? Well, this is me doing just that. I hope you will too.

I am excited by this challenge and it would be wonderful if you all would get on board too. Please post your comments and keep me updated on your PoopieChallenge progress. I will certainly keep you posted on mine. I have several ideas for more challenges ahead, but as always, I welcome your ideas and suggestions and feedback of any kind. Until tomorrow, Poops! And please, don’t forget to vote for me, just enter “poopie” in the search box and click on my blog when you get to me, here’s the link:

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Thanks Poopies!!!!

P!NK! She May Not Be Everyone’s Favorite, But I Have No Doubt She is an example of a true PoopieMommy! She is as REAL as it gets!!!!

Good afternoon, Poopies! Happy happy Friday to ya! What a week! Lots of changes always taking place around here…will definitely have to blog about it all next week. But today is all about YOU, not me! Part of why I really love Fridays is because I genuinely enjoy posting the MOMtras for you all. I hope you each take some ME time for yourselves that you so very much deserve and give the MOMtras real consideration.  Even if you have just a few minutes alone to think about them over the weekend, you will undoubtedly being doing yourself some good and your family as well. It’s not just the message I like to share in the MOMtra that is essential, it’s also the the stillness of being in a different head space…a calmer, more peaceful place in which to take a step back from the hustle and bustle of our daily lives and give yourself the gift of quiet. The words of the MOMtra are actually less important than the very act of observing the MOMtra moment. It is the essence of the act which will stay in your heart and soul. This process allows you to be more open to noticing and receiving the grace that is all around you and certainly helps you transmit the grace you absolutely hold inside yourself.

Inspiration is a curious, wonderous thing. You just never know where it’s going to come from. I’m finding more and more that it derives directly from my daughters, as it did with this week’s MOMtra. The other night I was lying in bed with them singing them to sleep. It’s a tradition around here to go through several tunes at bedtime. It always calms them down and I find that it actually calms me down too. Singing is similar to meditation in that it has a calming effect due to the fact that you are focusing on the sound of the words and melody coming from your voice. A & D have been asking me a lot about pregnancy lately and what it was like when I was pregnant with each of them. They have been asking me to sing some of the songs I sang to them when they were inside my belly. I often sing “Landslide” or “By Your Side” or “You Are My Sunshine” or “Nobody Does it Better.” And almost every night we sing “Stand By Me” as they hum the bass track beneath my words. But the other night A asked me to sing that song from the radio that we haven’t heard in awhile. “What song, honey?” I asked. “You know the Perfect song, mama. I love that one.” I had to think for a moment, and then I realized she wanted me to sing “Perfect” by P!NK. We hadn’t played it in the car in awhile and I was surprised she mentioned it. “Sure, ” I said, “I’ll sing that one. What made you think of that?” “Well we’re singing all our baby belly songs and I remember you told me that she sang that to her baby while it was in her belly too.”

Man, the memory on this kid. Like a year ago she asked me what that song was about and I told her P!NK wrote it for her baby when she was pregnant. I looked-up part of the article I read on it and this is what P!NK said about her song:

“I have a life inside of me, and I want her or him to know that I will accept him or her with open and loving and welcoming arms….And though I will prepare this little munchkin for a sometimes cruel world, I will also equip this kid to see all the beauty in it as well. There are good people in this world that are open-minded, and loving. There are those that accept us with all of our flaws. I do that with my fans/friends, and I will do that with my child, whoever they decide to be.”

What a gift to give your child, huh? First of all, the song is amazing and beautiful and its meaning expresses such an important facet of motherhood – ACCEPTANCE. I sang it for A and D as they lie snuggly in their beds and when I was finished, A asked me the following question: “Mommy, do you think we’re perfect?” Without hesitation, I said, unequivocally, “yes.” And that, Poopies, is the truth. Even with all their bickering, whining, tantrum and attitudes, these little people that me and PoopieDaddy made together are perfect to me. And they always will be…no matter what they do or say or who they become or the choices they make or the flaws they may have or the problems they may cause…they are ours and they are perfect. This isn’t in the delusional, my kid can do no wrong way that I mean this. It’s in the way that P!NK intends it to mean as well – just to instill a sense of acceptance from us toward them so they always feel self-acceptance in a world that may often try to make them feel bad about what makes them different and unique. This is an incredibly important message to get across to your children, even at this young age, and I could sense by A’s question about the song’s meaning that it already resonates with her. I’m grateful she asked me to sing it and I will definitely make it a part of our nightly repetoire.

And so, Poops, the chorus of “Perfect” will be today’s MOMtra. I know you all know the tune, and I highly encourage you to sing it aloud throughout your weekend. Let your kids hear you say the words. Tell them what it means. Explain how they are perfect to you too. And, equally as important, sing to  yourself as a reminder to accept who you are too. So often, even as adults and parents who should know better, we forget the unbelievable value of self-acceptance. Our kids need to see that we love ourselves, flaws and all. So sing away, my Poops, sing away:

“Pretty, pretty please

don’t you ever, ever feel

like your less than, less than perfect.

Pretty, pretty please

if you ever, ever feel

like you’re nothing

you are perfect to me.”

Sounds simple on the radio, but those are some very powerful, powerful lyrics indeed. I hope you will recall them throughout the next few days and feel good about yourselves and those beautiful little people you brought into this beautiful but often complicated world.  Thanks for all your continued support. ‘Ole Poops here couldn’t do it without you! Until Monday, my Poopies….

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