Happy Weekend, Poopies. Hope you all are out and about living your lives, enjoying this gorgeous day. I am not. Boo hoo. Wah me. Cue the violins. I know, I know…everybody gets sick, what’s with all the self-pity crap, Poopie? Well, I tell you: I’m sick and tired of lying here starting out the window at the sun watching life go by in front of me!!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe some people would enjoy a week on the couch or in bed, but I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE. I rarely ever get sick and this is precisely why. I am nooo good at it! I can normally talk myself out of a cold or push myself through the flu. I can usually go to the gym and sweat-it-out and get shit out of my system quickly to avoid the very scenario that is now unfolding in my life. I am not someone who surrenders easily. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am ruthless and stubborn and do my best to not back down when the going gets tough. And that’s why this week has been so very hard and humbling and difficult for me. I have an illness that’s left me with no fight. No struggle, no nuthin’. I have no steam, no punch, no way to make a 4th quarter comeback and beat this back to where it came from. I have mono. And the truth is, no matter how much resting I do, the damn thing continues to exhaust me. It’s relentless. I have never felt this tired or weak in my entire life and I’m so godamn frustrated by it, there are no words. I can only hope that it doesn’t linger as long as the doctor said it could. I have kids to take care of, a house to sell, friends to see, articles to write, places to go and a life I enjoy that is all on hold right now and it’s making me absolutely shit-crazy bonkers!
There is a reason most people get mono when they’re a teenager: it a much more convenient time in your life to get sick for a few weeks. Miss three weeks of school? Yahoo. Lose weight? Bingo! Lie in bed all day being waited on by mom while I watch soap operas? Jackpot. Only here’s the thing: I AM NOT A TEENAGER. I am thirty six years-old with two kids, a husband, a dog and ton of responsibilities that are all on pause and it’s killing me. Plus, I have no interest in daytime television. I haven’t even turned the damn thing on before 7pm once since I’ve been sick. I am the caretakeer. I am supposed to be the one helping everyone else. This is what I do. This is m job as a mom and a wife. I hate being vulnerable and relying on everyone else to do what I am normally quite capable of. It’s eating me up that I can’t do anything, go anywhere and I need other people to help me. Just the effort it is taking me right now to sit up and blog is insane. Posting to you all will be my big highlight for the day and then I will lay back down in my bed and doze off for hours because I have no strength to do anything else. IT IS BULLSHIT. I am frustrated. I want to cry. I want to scream: Who the fuck gave me mono????
But, alas, all that anger and frustration won’t get me any better. It won’t miraculously cure me of this horrible fatigue and it certainly won’t improve things for me, mentally or emotionally. So…what’s a really sick PoopieMommy to do? And the answer, despite my most innate desire to respond oppositely, is simply to do nothing. That’s all there is to it. Read my books, drink my fluids, force a little food down everyday because my appetite is non-existent, and hope that this shit gets out of my system much sooner than later. I miss the gym. I miss my friends. I miss being outside. I miss being with my girls all day. I miss taking care of them. I miss poor PoopieDaddy who is zapped from pulling double-duty with work and the kids that he’s been passing out every night right when they do. I miss feeling like me. I MISS LIFE. This is no way to live and it better end soon.
Of course, never one to lose too much perspective, especially because I’ve blogged so much about it, I am still very grateful. Grateful that it is only mono and that it will go away. Grateful that it’s not some horrible, terminal diagnosis and I’m not in any pain. I’m grateful that I have such a tremendous husband. He has been incredible this week, watching him take over has brought me a lot of joy, because it’s renewed in me an appreciation for what a wonderful father and supportive spouse he truly is. The girls are so lucky to have such a terrific daddy and even though they miss their mama, I think they’ve had fun this week and will look back on this as a special time with their father. I am grateful to have such great friends who have sent me amazing care packages and goodie bags and meals. Their thoughtfulness has touched me deeply and I hope they know how much I love them.
I’m grateful for my parents who are very supportive and, thankfully, had the girls sleep over last night so Daddy could get a much deserved break from the relentless pace of full-time parenting and working. I’m quite sure how he’s kept it together all week! And I’m grateful for you all. Being able to post my blog keeps my brain occupied and distracted which is definitely a good thing. Oh, and I’m very grateful for my sweet, sweet girls who busted-out of the living room yesterday while Daddy was on the phone and crept upstairs to the “mono room” and stole a few, much needed moments with their sick mama. No kissing of course, but lots of hugs and rubbies and cozy nook-cuddling. It did me well. Chicken soup has got nothin’ on the soul compared to what these two precious little people did to cheer me up. My daughters have magical, healing powers that definitely warmed my heart and brightened me up from the inside out. I miss being with them so much and our little love session in bed yesterday made me smile, a smile I most desperately needed. Here’s hoping it gets me through the rest of the weekend and then perhaps I’ll start to feel more energy and slowly make my way back to myself…